My mother being hugged by her sister last night

Hello Mom 😀 I hope you feel the love from all of us last night and more to come. Happy birthday. Hugs

There are many times that I’ve really wanted to post something more on a personal level. Sometimes I wonder what is stopping me. Ever since I’ve been focusing too much on my sponsored editorials, I’ve lost touch on my personal touch on my actual blog. My feelings and thoughts are kept locked inside me but ironically I do pen them down on my journal. But hardly on my blog. Maybe because it has been way too long that I’ve not expressed how I really feel on my blog and day by day, month by month, year by year, it slowly gets tougher.

Today I will dedicated this post to my mother whom have brought me to this world since I was a cutey boy. [My fingers are already perspiring because I’m getting out of my comfort zone. Getting out of that zone to speak how I really feel that I’ve kept to myself. Sometimes it’s difficult to express to my friends and I don’t judge them if I’m unable to express them].

Well, I remembered having this dream that I was taken away when I was a baby. All I had was a tiny aeroplane toy to keep sane and from crying. The scene was some sort of a cafe. It looked like one of those “kopitiams”. I remembered two faces in that dream and one of them was Mui Lan *spelling* I call her auntie by the way. So this particular scene that I could recall only lasted 5 seconds. The aeroplane toy. Me being carried while crying. And Auntie Mui Lan. I thought to myself, was this turning point of my life when I was brought to my future world? Was this the turning point that I was actually being adopted to another family in Brunei? Was that scene I remembered took place in Singapore? Was that scene actually a true one or just a dream? All these questions pondered for quite some time. I never really want to ask these questions for closure and to me and the rest of my siblings, this is more of a taboo topic to talk about to begin with.

It was pretty obvious where I stood. My passport said I was born in Singapore. I’m still a Permanent Resident, upgraded from Green IC (after I have turned 20 years old). I even accidentally stumbled upon my birth certificate when I was only 12 years old and that cemented that idea that I am adopted plus being terrified as a timid teenager. I had mixed feelings then.

Regardless of what I felt then, I was (and still am) obedient son to my mother to this very day. She always praised that I never troubled her in my living years. Yeah, maybe I have bent some rules here and there but I’m always very particular in taking care of my family’s name, furthermore my mother, being in the position she is.

My best years with my mother was during my teenage years. Why? Because that was the best family bonding I’ve ever experienced with her. It was the time before I flew off to Australia for my high school. I would keep her company for most of the time and even slept in her bedroom. She was very sweet and caring. She would have an extra TV in her room so I could watch live football to keep me entertained. She would constantly ask me if football is on. There were times that spare TV didn’t have good signal and she offered to use her main TV to my football episodes while sacrificing her TV time. To me that’s the sweetest thing I will always remember from my mother *weeps*

The hardest part was me leaving Brunei back in 1992 for my future studies. I was constantly crying while hugging my mom. It was that point that I felt the motherly love that I was missing from my childhood years. My mom was so caring that she made sure I was really taken care of while boarding in Geelong Grammar School. I would use the payphone to make reverse charge call to Brunei so I could listen to my mother’s voice, feeling safe and sound. That was the last time I was very close to my mother.

Now fast forward to the present moment (20 plus odd years later), though situations are not the same as before, I have never love my mother less and I know deep inside my mother still loves me and her children more than she knows.

Last night was my first real hug to my mom when we all greeted her happy birthday at midnight. The previous one when I was still a teenager. I don’t know the feeling but I always wanted to hug my mother. To express my care and love and most of all, gratitude, for being a superwoman and a super mother and including me to your world.

Mom, I know you have been surviving, emotionally, mentally and also physically, and I want you to know that we (siblings and I) are your pillars in your life and we will always standby you in any given situation. Never discount that and you have gelled our siblings once more 🙂 I know I haven’t been spending my time with you but I rather spend time to know you better and deeper. I know we will have that chance.

And how do I feel right now? Definitely not mixed. I feel lighter, liberated and loved.

I’m truly, truly grateful to be your son and I have always love you unconditionally. Sorry for being open here but I really want to address my feelings and this is my courageous first step. Have a blasting birthday celebration tonight. Thank you, Mom. I love you xxx.

Multiple cakes

Mom hugging my siblings